But enough of that foofaraw, let's rip some dresses.
Poodles, we know we've been spending a lot of time Joaning and Melissa-ing all over the red carpet, but we can't help it. It's a great way to check in on all things and people PR-related, a great way to talk about what people are wearing, and a great way for all of us to sharpen our claws for PR seasons to come. Admit it. You've all been bringing your bitchery A game, haven't you? Those poor S5 designers don't have a chance.
Anyway.
Francisco Costa and Eva Mendes wearing Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein
Enh. We think one can find beautiful, understated clothing under the Calvin Klein label, but it doesn't always make for "event" clothing. This is just too understated for the venue.
Victoria Beckham in Marc Jacobs head to toe.
Little hearts pop around our heads every time we look at Posh now. We can't help it. We love her. She dresses like a little girl pretending to be a drag queen. The shoes were designed specially for her. This bitch is gonna be in a wheel chair by the time she's forty.
But she will be IMMORTALLY FABULOUS in the hearts of gay men everywhere.
Zac Posen
We almost get it. It has a nice retro-casual vibe to it, but those Ethel Mertz sleeves are a dealbreaker. Besides, that jacket doesn't look particularly well-fitted.
Still. That boy gives good face.
Lauren Hutton in Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein Spring 2008 Collection
The bitch looks fantastic. That's how you do age-appropriate clothes and still look stylish and beautiful. She's 65, people. She probably could've used some more support for her girls and some serum for that hair, though.
What? We admit we're bitches.
Michael Kors and Hilary Duff in MK
She looks cute. The silhouette's a little grown-up sophisticated, but the color's young and looks great on her.
Paula Patton in Michael Kors Spring 2008 Collection
Not a terrible dress, but she's not really selling it. We don't think it's doing anything for her figure, either.
Vera Wang
Oh, what the fuck.
What is WRONG with her?
Diane von Furstenberg
We're swooning. She looks spectacular.
Eva Longoria Parker in Diane von Furstenberg
It's almost hard to believe that's a DVF because she looks like a stripper. Kind of a "lucite heel" sorta dress, if you know what we mean.
Fern Mallis
Fern, Fern, Fern. Sometimes she can look so put together and sometimes she, um...doesn't. Get out your pitchforks if you must, but we're gonna say it. She doesn't always dress appropriately for her body type.
Ahn Duong in Diane von Furstenberg
She is SELLING the SHIT outta that dress. THAT is how you stand and pose, bitches. Brava.
Ashley Olsen in Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein Resort 2009
Wow, she looks really pulled together. We're a little speechless. It's about as rare as a solar eclipse to not see one or both members of Olsen, Inc. looking just a tiny little bit like they just got out of an institution.
Betsey Johnson
Dear Betsey,
Will you consider adopting us?
Love,
T Lo
Auntie Mame brings it once again. Say what you will about her clothes, but have you ever not seen her looking radiant and happy in them?
Mark Badgley and James Mischka with model Hana Soukupova
We're not huge fans of these two, but this really is a stunning dress. A lot of people have been taking us to task for being too hard on the ladies walking the red carpet, but this dress allows us to demonstrate why. When one looks at a red carpet dress and says "It's pretty," or "That would look lovely at a) a wedding, b) a garden party, or c) some other event where they don't have paparazzi," then the dress is a big fail in the red carpet sweepstakes.
It's not enough that a dress be pretty. It has to be a dress that the dozens if not hundreds of photographers practically tear each other apart to get a picture of it. It has to be dramatic and photogenic. This dress is a big win.
Donna Karan
Donna, stop.
It's like she has about 8% of real estate on her body that she feels comfortable exposing and she just cuts holes in her clothes to match. Calf-shoulder-side of boob. Check.
Kim Cattrall in Monique Lhuillier Fall 2008 Collection
Absolutely gorgeous. Perfectly styled. Our first thought was "Why didn't she wear this to one of the SATC premieres?" But we think we know why. She doesn't look like Samantha Jones in this. All four of those girls hit the red carpet in character and that was actually pretty clever.
One other thing: she looks her age. And that's actually a compliment. Unlike her SATC premiere appearances, she looks like a beautiful, sexy 50-year-old instead of a 50-year-old struggling mightily to hold on to her youth.
